During the last days I had a lot of reasons to think about my past, present, and future. I vented a lot of my frustrations in the “I am disappointed” thread which I shared in many Facebook groups. There were many interesting responses, but eventually I got disappointed about them, too.
Then something in me clicked and told myself: To hell with this all, I’ll focus on developing Quantified Prestige and put everything else on ice until much later.
That represents a pragmatic slash to the Gordian Knot I was facing. As mentioned in the “I am disappointed” thread, I am a person with many interests and many approaches to making the world a better place. Quantified Prestige however, is that which I can do right now, which only I can really push forward as first initiator, and which can later on massively support any other projects that I or the futurist / transhumanist / utilitarian / world improver communities want to pursue.
And now I’m trying to make sense out of my life, because I want to be coherent and realistic. So, here are some basic insights about myself:
I consider myself primarily philosopher and secondarily as utilitarian. It is this utilitarianism that provides my basic guidance in my life. I use the utilitarian value of everything as yardstick for everything.
Transhumanism only has value for me as far as it is utilitarian. Therefore, I oppose non-utilitarian versions of transhumanism in principle. I tried to be accommodating to all kinds of transhumanists in the hope that a larger alliance can do more. But this reasoning didn’t have really positive consequences so far. It makes me feel uneasy to try to fit all transhumanists into one big bucket. Especially if even that big bucket does have little power to do anything. Sometimes I think transhumanists should have the motivational power that IS has (even though IS is one of our worst enemies).
Anyway, my brain is quite fried from all the thinking I’ve done in the last days. I may not make full sense.
I have a hard time computing the consequences of my decision to really focus on Quantified Prestige on other projects. Be they projects of some community, or my own. So, I better not make any rash declarations now that I will regret later on.
One key insight however is that I do suffer from ME/CFS and that it makes it virtually impossible for me to do more than one things at a time well.
Everything important that I have achieved in my life I had to fight for with great suffering against the wall of ME/CFS. Afterwards I always had a big energy crisis and the walls came crashing down on my head. I was continuously punished for doing what is or seemed right. This has driven me to madness repeatedly. Living a meaningful life on this basis feels like the effort to find bliss in hell.
Also my efforts to cure myself from ME/CFS were ultimately not successful. I could however improve my skill at managing this disease. That’s still worth a lot, but I’m basically still an unstable mess.
Doing what makes me feel alive triggers depression. Being energized drains me. I cannot follow my passions, because doing that messes up my neurochemisty so much that I fall into anhedonia and have no passion left. Being “rational” is very dangerous, because it drains my willpower and then I get a combination of ADD, depression, and anhedonia.
I desperately want to change the world to the better, because I see, feel, and understand so much. But doing that with my condition is a really maddening challenge. In spite of all that I do continue to not give up, or build up my strength again if I give up.
Now, I want to create a Quantified Prestige Development Network that acts as basis for organizations developing Quantified Prestige. Given my health issues I need more support for that endeavour than I have ever gotten in my entire life. But it just might be possible, if I am extremely focused and use the best strategies that anyone on this planet knows.
I cannot be a normal leader, because I am a mess, but I need to be an exceptional leader, because otherwise nothing happens. It looks like a challenge that might just seem impossible enough to be possible somehow.
Ok, I need a break now. I’ll try to be more coherent next time.